I must sadly report that our joy was shortlived. Sarah miscarried over the weekend. They are heartbroken but are being real troopers. They will try again and I know that in the near future we will have wonderful news to share. I just keep wishing there was some magical protective blanket that we could wrap around our kids to protect them from ever having their hearts broken.

That's right people!!! I'm joining the Grandmother's Club and I couldn't be more excited! Sarah and Bennie are expecting in December! Having had a baby late in life myself I wasn't really baby hungry when some of my friends started getting grandchildren. But I've noticed in the past year or two that I've felt that hunger growing. Austin is 9 now (THAT is impossible to believe!), I think we've just about squeezed every ounce of baby out of him and I find myself really missing having a real little one around.

Sarah and Bennie have experienced infertility issues and after the first attempt at artificial insemination (Yes, it's Bennie's baby) they were successful!

I had always imagined how it would feel to hear that a grandchild is on the way. Well, let me tell you, I had very much underestimated how wonderful that would feel. It's hard to put it into words but I can tell you without question that it feels wonderful! My baby is going to be a mother! It's kind of like my child squared! It's exponential love. I can't wait to meet this little soul and spoil it absolutely rotten. Yep, I'm going to be one of those obnoxious grandmothers who pull out tons of pictures and expect everyone to ooh and ahh over my perfect grandchild. Fair warning!

 

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Well now, haven't I just been the picture of dedication to this journal? I can't believe it was June when I last was here, but I see that is true. 

And now here we are with another Christmas almost upon us. Unbelievable! Unbelievable? Not on your life. When it comes to believing, I'm the biggest kid there is. I truly do believe in Santa, and angels, and miracles, not necessarily in that order, but come to think of it, I believe in them all equally so it doesn't matter which order I put them in.

Several years ago I had a Christmas Angel come to my rescue in the form of a burly man with a lock jimmy in a cold, rainy parking lot on Christmas Eve when I was absolutely worn out and had locked my keys in my car. I had been shopping all day and was making my last stop at the grocery store on my way home. I was short on nerves, energy, patience, joy and money by the time I pulled into the parking spot on that very cold rainy day. I jumped out of the car and shut the door and instantly realized that I had locked the keys inside. I literally buried my face in my hands and made a 360 degree turn standing by my car as I cried out "Oh NOOOO!" In the space of the 3 to 4 seconds that it took me to make that turn my angel appeared. He was standing on the other side of my car by the passenger door and he had a lock jimmy in his hand. He said to me, "Don't worry ma'am, I've got ya". And just that quick he had my door open. This happened so quickly I cannot even tell you how quickly it happened. There was no way that anyone had time to call anyone. He was just there...with the tool needed and he opened my door. I thanked him with tears running down my face and was reaching for my purse to pay him but he wouldn't let me. He simply said, "Merry Christmas, ma'am." and as quickly as he had appeared, he was gone. Yes, I believe in angels.

I've been doing a lot of reading about angels lately and I've learned to call on them daily. I ask the angels to surround each of my children and keep them safe every day. I imagine the bright light of angels surrounding them. I know that the angels are there. I ask the angels to surround our family and all those we love and care about.

As I'm putting my purse in my locker at workI ask the angels to surround me as I go about my shift and to give me knowledge and a sharp mind that I won't miss something as I assess my patients. I ask the angels to surround each of my patients and to give them comfort and healing. I can tell you, honestly, that my shifts go better when I do this.

I've mentioned before here that I have been at the bedside of many dying patients and that the presence of angels is a palpable thing at those times. I know it as surely as I know my own name.

We are all in need of angels and  I believe we all have them. I also believe that we don't call on them nearly as often as we could and should. God gave them to us and they love to be called upon.

Tonight we put up our tree and decorated it while listening to the Alabama Christmas CD that has been a tradition at our house since the 1980's (it was so long ago that we used to do it to the album). I truly believe that every year I get more choked up than the last because the memories of my now grown children hanging these same ornaments that we hung tonight grow dearer and dearer in my heart. Tonight I watched Austin hang the ornaments with the same excitement that I used to see on their little faces and it made me so homesick for those little faces. And just as I was feeling sad that they were all grown up and weren't here with me participating in the decorating of the tree, I realized that God is so good. I could be decorating this tree by myself just remembering what it was like to decorate a tree with my precious excited children. But I wasn't alone. There was my little Austin, singing along with me and talking about each of the ornaments just as Patrick, Emily and Sarah had done. How dare I be sad? I was about to miss out on enjoying what I did have by worrying about what I didn't have. And just as that thought popped into my head I realized that angels abound in my life. And I asked them once again to surround my children with the white light of their protection and love.

If you're reading this, I pray that angels surround you and those that you love.

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Where do the days go???

Here is a little of what I've been up to:

I I really don't know where time goes! I'm convinced that it goes faster every year (how do they do that?) It seems like yesterday that I was just anticipating spring and all of a sudden we're planning the 4th of July! Busy, my life is busy! And happy!

I had to share the small harvest of  this years lilacs with everyone. Lilacs are my absolute favorite flower. I hope heaven is scented with lilacs, surely it must be. I look forward all winter to the lilacs blooming. I have about 6 huge lilac bushes planted alongside my garage and I start watching about mid April to see them start to bud. Usually the first and second week of May are an olfactory heaven as I can be found several times a day sticking my whole face into my lilac bushes. We had a late frost this year and the lilac bushes paid the price. I was able to salvage about 3 handfuls of blooms to bring in the house. I usually have lilac bouquets in every single room for two weeks. Not so this year. My paltry little harvest was pathetic. However, I enjoyed them probably more than ever for their scarcity. I just wish you could smell that picture!

After the demise of the lilacs I was really looking forward to getting my hands down in the dirt and planting my flowers! Austin, most probably from osmosis, loves to plant flowers too! He's every bit as good as I am at it and I never hesitate to let him help me. He was so cute explaining to his friend, Daniel, how you sprinkle the Osmocote into the hole and then you "tickle the roots" before planting the flower. I wanted a splash of color under the Lacy Leaf Japanese Maple tree in the front of the house and when I tried to get under it to plant the impatiens I got scratched all to pieces. Austin to the rescue! He and Daniel fit under there justfine and they did  a fine job of planting them!

And THIS my dear readers is the BEST DARN DADDY IN THE WORLD! He's mine, you can't have him. Those of you who have read my journal for a while will remember the picture of my partially stripped deck from last summer's hail storm. I worked on stripping that deck all last summer. It didn't get finished! I have been advised very strongly by my husband that I should just forget stripping it and put more of the horribly ugly stain that I already had messed up and put on it in the first place! Actually, he was right. That is exactly what I should have done. But I just could not bring myself to do it. Our deck is quite large and I cannot tell you the hours I've spent with a "so called deck stain stripper" (yeah riiiiight) working on one square foot at a time. An exercise in futility to the extreme!! One day a couple of weeks ago, after working on said deck for an entire HOT day, Jimmy again tried to convince me that I should just give in and restain it with the stain already on it. In absolute defeat and exhaustion I sat there looking at the expanse of unstripped deck and admitted to him and to myself that I would do that. Then to my own surprise I found tears running down my face! That's right internet, I cried. I cried over my deck! I cried in absolute defeat.What a wimp I am!! Then THE BEST DARN DADDY IN THE WHOLE WORLD came to visit me the next day and he asked me what I was going to do about my deck. I told him I was giving up and was going to just put that ugly old stain back on it. He said he would help me get the old stain off and that he'd help me sand it and get it the way I want it. He showed up as promised with his handy, dandy, super-powered power washer and commenced to making me a very happy gal! He literally spent the entire day helping me get the stain off my deck. Gosh, I love him! I'll tell you in another post very soon what ELSE he did for me last week! He's up for sainthood in case you're wondering!

Here is the half and half picture. We now have to rent a big drum sander and get it ready to stain. As you can see in this picture, the old stain was more like a paint than a stain. Hence the reason I hated it. I'd love to have the guy that sold me that stupid "stain" here to help me make it right.

Patrick's girlfriend, Amber, graduated from Hair School on Friday. She's very glad to be out of school and is anticipating her state boards. She is the only hairdresser I've ever been to that has colored my hair the way I want it. She gives great haircuts too.

And here is my sweet guy, Tucker, all worn out after playing with the new Boxer puppy from next door today. They are so cute together and he's so gentle when he plays with her. He will sit in the yard for the longest time and watch for her to come out to play. Tooo cute!! Below is Sadie playing Queen of the mountain.

Ohhh! And the juice? Well I know you're all dying to hear about the JUICE! My business is growing like crazy and I'm reaching goals. Hopefully, by the beginning of Fall I will be able to quit my job at the hospital and devote all of my time to MonaVie. It's a blast and it gives me my "nurse fix". I can help more people with MonaVie than I can at the hospital giving people drugs to cover up their symptoms. I LOVE MONAVIE and if you haven't experienced what it can do for you yet you're really missing out.

Sooo, that's what I've been up to lately internet, what have you been doing?

(Oh, and if you're wondering why I use such a large type, it's because I go blind trying to read journals with small letters! I'm old people, I'm old!

A heart like an iceberg

We have a varied mix of patients at the hospital at any given time. For the most part they are very friendly and appreciative of what we do for them. Occasionally we run into someone who is just so soured on life in general that they set out to make everyone as miserable as they are. I like it when I have those grumpy patients. Yes, that's right, I said I liked having them. I look at them as a challenge and love to win them over to my side. Everyone I work with knows that I enjoy that particular patient and they usually try to give me a shot at them.

A couple of weeks ago I was getting report and the day shift nurse laughed as she told me that she had the perfect patient for me. She went on to tell me that he was a very grumpy man and that nothing anyone did could make him happy. He was admitted for CHF a couple of days before and was doing very well clinically. His labs were great, his lungs were much improved and he would probably go home the following day. The problem with him was his nasty attitude and hiccups. Yes, that's right, hiccups! Apparently he is plagued with them. He told her that he had had them for 3 weeks and that when he has them at home he takes a certain medicine for them. She had put a call out to his doctor and asked for an order for the medication to give him. After a couple of hours (which is about normal call back time for his doctor) the doctor called back and gave an order for the medication in IV form. She wrote the order and sent it to pharmacy. It took the pharmacy about an hour to get the medication up to our floor. When it arrived she brought in the IV pump, tubing, and medication and was going to administer it to him. He threw a fit! "I don't want it now, you can just use it yourself! I asked for that medication over three hours ago! You people are terrible! Just take it away, I don't want it!" She tried to explain to him that it takes a while to get the order and then get the medication from pharmacy. She told him how sorry she was that it had taken so long but that it had been out of her control. He would have none of it. He continued to berate her and went on to obstinate and almost verbally abusive to her.She left the pump with the medication in his room even though he'd asked her to remove it from his room. So now, I was the lucky one to get to reenter his room and try to calm him down.

Before I even entered his room I said a prayer that God would give me the right words and the right attitude to make him happy. I made sure that I had a big smile on my face and went in there very calm and serene. He was lying on his bed with his eyes closed but I didn't think that he was asleep. I very gently touched his arm and said his name. He opened his eyes and looked at me like I had three heads. I introduced myself and told him I would be his nurse until 11:00 pm. I noticed that he still had his hiccups and after taking his blood pressure and doing his physical assessment, commented on how miserable it must be to have hiccups for so long. I asked him if I could hook up the IV so that we could get the medicine into him. The order had been for the first bag of meds to be given over an hour and if he still had the hiccups one hour after that infusion to give him one more bag of meds. He became very angry as he told me about how he'd asked for the medication long ago and that it had taken too long to get it and that the nurse from day shift had not taken good care of him. He ranted and he raved and I was determined not to let him get to me. He said that they might as well not put call buttons on the beds because no one comes when you push it anyway. He was just livid and nothing I was saying was getting through to him. I had to fight every impulse not to snap back at him. I've had many unpleasant patients, this guy took the cake! He was one of those people that just loves to be miserable. I think he wanted to see me upset so that he could justify his position. I would not give him the satisfaction. The meaner he got, the nicer I got. I am a toucher by nature and I gently touched his arm as I talked to him. I told him that I was sorry that he'd had such a bad day and that I was sorry that it had taken so long to get his medicine. I told him that day shift was over and that we were going to start over brand new with my shift. I promised him that I was going to the nurses' station and telling them that I wanted to be notified immediately if his call light came on. I finally convinced him to let me start the infusion and asked him if there was anything that I could bring him right then, a drink, a snack, anything. He asked for a Sprite and I RAN to get it for him. I went to the nurses' station and told them to call me, not the nurses' aide if his call light came on.

After the infusion was complete he still had the hiccups. I told him that in an hour we could run the other infusion. He would have none of it. "Just forget it, I don't want it!" Nothing I said could convince him to give it a try. He would rather have something to complain about was what I deduced from it. But still, I smiled and was nice to him. I didn't wait for his light to go on, I kept checking in with him to see if he needed anything. Around 9:00 he said to me, "I guess Kim isn't coming tonight." I asked him if Kim was his wife and he said, "No, she's my girlfriend". I wondered who in their right mind would be his girlfriend!!! I said that I was sorry that she hadn't come to visit but maybe something had come up and she wasn't able to get there. He went on and on about how selfish she was and how he didn't care anyway.

About a half hour later my phone rang (we carry hospital cell phones), it was the nurses' station calling me to tell me that his family member was on the phone and wanted to talk to me. I took the call and it was "Kim". She was upset and said that he had told her that he had been asking for hiccup medicine all day and no one would give it to him. He also told her that he hadn't had anything at all to eat which I knew wasn't true because I had made it a point to take him his tray myself and I also picked it up when he was finished and he had eaten everything on his plate. Not to mention the times I'd been in there to offer him drinks and snacks. I explained to her about the IV medication and his refusal to let us give it, I told her about his supper tray and the snacks. She then sighed and said how she knew how hard he was to get along with. She said that what he was really mad about was that she hadn't come to visit him but that she had two jobs and just couldn't make it that night. I felt sorry for her all the while I wondered why she would stick around for the abuse he gave her.

Somehow we made it through the shift and I didn't once let him get my goat. I smiled every time I talked to him. and I was nothing but nice to him. The next evening when I came in I noticed that I didn't have him again. A good friend of mine, Melody had him and I explained to her how best to get along with him. She nodded knowingly and set about to see him. He was being discharged and she took his paperwork in for him to sign. A few hours later Melody came to me laughing. She said that she had discharged him and that he wasn't any happier than he'd been the previous day for me. But then she said this; "Melissa, do you know what he said about you? He told me that the nurse he had the evening before had to be "smoking grass" because NO ONE IS THAT NICE!!!!"

Go figure! Sometimes you just can't win. The old iceberg!

ANTICIPATION

I was walking around in the yard yesterday looking at the blank slate of my flower beds. Oh the work that needs to be done. The Dame's Rocket (I think that is what it is) above is one of my favorite things. I dug this out of the woods at our farm. It is quite a spreader and I absolutely love it. Can you believe it's considered a weed? It is! The beginnings of this beautiful plant are scattered everywhere in this particular bed and I cannot wait until it is blooming in all it's glory! 

 Austin is on spring break this week and bless his heart has started it off by being sick. We're headed to the doctor's office this afternoon to see if we can't get him back on his feet to enjoy the rest of his little vacation. He has just recently recovered from surgery. He was born with an undescended testicle and had it removed and a hernia repair done in February. I take care of many post op patients at work. I have not had one to compare with this little trooper. He had a hard time keeping his oxygen saturation up post op and we ended up staying overnight at Children's Hospital. He was amazing. He did everything we asked him to do and never complained. Here is a picture of him with his blowby oxygen. If this can't melt a mother's heart, nothing can.

He's back to normal now and has been released to run and play. He's a happy camper. But I will tell you that spending time at Children's Hospital is a very eye opening experience. One can really learn to count their blessings there. It's heartbreaking to see children suffering. Some of those children will never leave that hospital. To see parents struggling under unbearable sadness and grief is so painful. I knew that Austin would be fine. Many parents there don't have that assurance for their child and I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine the pain of watching your child suffer in pain knowing that there would only be more suffering to follow. I thank God every day for the health of my children.

Once he started feeling better they brought him a Playstation and movies to watch. If you're lucky enough to have a Children's Hospital near you please support their fund raising efforts. From the moment we walked in we were met with joyful, helpful people to make things easier. They truly know how to take care of children there. I have always said that I couldn't work pediatrics. I now know this for sure. It's hard enough for me to take care of the adults I take care of and not "bring it home" with me. There is no way that I could keep my objectivity if I worked with children. Thank God there are those that can. Bless them, bless them, bless them!!!

 

Connecting with my Soul

I have often been accused of being a dreamer. I always felt that it was said in  an accusatory manner, as in "the opposite of a realist". For most of my life I've viewed this as a shortcoming of mine. In all honesty, I am a dreamer. And if I'm honest, I've not felt too terribly insulted when this has been pointed out to me. I do not, however, admit that I don't acknowledge reality. I'm a dreamer...not an idiot.

As the age of 50 looms larger in front of me (if it's not reality to admit THAT, then I don't know what IS), I take closer and more detailed inventory of my life, my thoughts, my beliefs, my dreams and my soul. I don't think we give enough thought or attention  to our souls. For one thing - try to describe soul! Voltaire said, "Four thousand volumes of metaphysics will not teach us what the soul is." It's like trying to grasp mist. And yet, it is what defines us. It is that part of us that inhabits the throw away body we live in. The trick is to get our ego to shut up long enough to let us hear our soul.

For as long as I can remember, I've  been a searcher. I haven't always known what I was searching for, or even realized that I was searching, but I realize now that I have indeed been searching. Mostly I think the search has been for a way to live from my soul and not from my ego. Ego allows what others think of me  to define me. Ego even allow what I think of me to define me. Ego is what let's my feelings get hurt, what causes me to hurt another's feelings. Ego is what makes it hard to forgive myself and others. In short, ego is what screws me up. I'm tired of living with ego being the driving force in my life. I want to learn to live from my soul.

I've been studying the laws of intention. I don't think that I've ever pondered anything that has made more sense to me. I have a strong belief in God and everything that I've read points me right back to God and his intention for me, and my place in the universe. I'm learning to see everything that has happened in my life, the good and the bad as things to be grateful for. It's not easy to be grateful for the painful things. It's not easy to look back on times when I've been so far off the mark and say, "Thank you God for the opportunities to learn." But I've learned that by saying just that, that the lessons become apparent. I'm learning that giving forgiveness is absolutely a gift to myself. Holding on to bad feelings and refusing to forgive someone who has wronged me is toxic to me; to my soul. I realize that I've been very unkind to my soul. I've allowed 'circumstances' to dictate my state of heart, my state of mind, and more importantly my state of soul.

From this day forward I will thank God for everything that happens in my life...the good and the bad. I will accept the good as a gift that I deserve and the bad as a lesson to be learned to allow more good and abundance in my life in every area of my life. Other's will think what they will of me. I will choose to love them. Not everyone is going to agree with me. That is okay and will not subtract from my knowing what I silently know. I will not allow anyone's negative energy to distract from the intention that God has for me. I am not the wrinkles around my eyes, the varicose veins in my leg, or the extra 15 pounds that stubbornly cling to me. I am not the mistakes I have made or will make in the future. I am not just a silly dreamer or sentimental fool. I am not a failure as a mother, wife, daughter, sister or a friend, I am just simply human and choose to forgive myself and those that have hurt me.  I ask forgiveness for the times that I've hurt others and neglected to do what was required of me. I choose to be positive, kind, giving, and loving. I choose to expect miracles both small and large and not to be surprised when they happen. I choose  to let the word fear evaporate from my vocabulary both mentally and physically. I choose to live from my soul, receive through my soul and nourish my soul. My God is a great big God and I know that He wants to give me the peace I have longed for, I just have to get out of the way.

I want to live my life with purpose. I was put here on this earth for a purpose, my job is to find that purpose and live it with passion. We attract into our lives what we think about. When things are bad and we keep thinking about how bad things are, we just attract more of what we don't want. I will think about good things, focus my attention on good things and more good things will show up in my life. I choose to feel good regardless of what is going on around me or what others might choose to think about me. My soul and God deserve nothing less.