I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.  I feel like I've been in a blender, going 100 miles an hour since  this time last week. It's hard to believe that Christmas 2005 is behind us and we're getting ready to start a brand new year.

I think I've mentioned before how much joy Austin has brought into my life since his birth in 1998. When I learned that I was pregnant with him I thought my life was over. He was definitely unplanned! Many times people have remarked to me that he must have been a mistake. Sadly, I must admit that when I learned of his existence, I, too, thought of him as a mistake. All I could do was cry when I got the news. I cried and I cried and then I cried some more. I could not understand why God had thought it a good thing for me to have another baby at my age and my stage of life.  I guess I cried for about 4 months. Then, on ultrasound, I saw this little miracle of life growing inside of me and I saw that tiny little heart beating and I fell in love. Then, and don't ask me why this was one of my first thoughts, but I thought of how much fun Christmas would be again! My kids were all grown up and for the most part the "magic" had gone out of Christmas. Here was a fresh little believer and I was happy about that. From the moment of his birth, he's been a true blessing in my life. He has been the reminder of what is truly important in life. He was the very thing I needed and didn't know that I needed. So, when people say to me now, "He must have been a mistake". I just smile and say, "No, he wasn't a mistake. A mistake is something that you wish had never happened. He was a surprise! A surprise is a gift you receive that you didn't even know that you wanted." And that is exactly what he has been for me.  Which leads me to some reflections on this Christmas...

I get into Christmas in a big way. I love the shopping, even though I grumble about the stress of it all. I wouldn't trade shopping for my kids at Christmas for anything. I shop until I think I'm done, and then I shop some more. I go overboard, I admit, but I love surprising my kids with things that I know they want or need but never ask for.  I have always wrapped everything that "Santa" brings. I wrap for hours after everyone is in bed. Then I stash it carefully!  I make sure to use different wrapping paper for "Santa" than I do for the other Christmas gifts. My husband usually goes to bed before I do on Christmas Eve. I love being the only one up in a quiet house with the tree glowing in all it's glory. The joy I get from bringing in all those  wrapped Santa gifts and putting them under the tree is a joy that I wouldn't trade for all the tea in China.  It's one of the true pleasures in my life. The kids have usually slept like logs on Christmas Eve, but not me! I'm the most excited of the group. I just simply can't wait for morning, when I can put the Christmas morning breakfast casserole in the oven, make the coffee and wait for the sleepy faces to show up under the tree. To me, it's one of the greatest things about being a parent; that deal that I have with Santa Claus!

My older kids have found a new enthusiasm for Christmas because of Austin. They are so into it with him. They love spoiling him and surprising him. They tell me that their Christmas is made by watching him and remembering how it felt when they were his age. They don't care if they get a thing from Santa anymore. His joy has become their joy as well. But as long as I have breath in my body, Santa will bring their Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve while they're sleeping, even if they're sleeping in their own homes!

I finally had to wake Austin up this year at 9:30!! I couldn't contain myself any longer. The look on that child's face as he walked into the family room and saw the spectacle of red and white striped paper was absolutely priceless. We all sat watching him open his gifts with the goofiest smiles on our faces. Everyone elses presents went unopend. This will most probably be the last year that Austin totally believes in Santa. We reveled in the magic that is Christmas.

Patrick got Austin his own set of golf clubs. To play with him a little, Patrick got a little box and wrapped up about 8 of his old dirty golf balls. Patrick thought he would think it was a dirty trick and it would be funny. But just to show you how appreciative Austin is he opend those dirty old balls and said with such sweetness, "Thanks, Patrick!". So much for trickery. He was truly thankful for the golf balls! Imagine his face when Patrick brought in his own golf bag with golf clubs! It was priceless. After opening all of his gifts, which took quite a while, he stood in the middle of the wrapping paper and toys and said, "I wasn't THIS good!". My heart melted and ran down my cheeks. Yes, this child,this surprise, is one of the most wonderful gifts I've ever received. There was someone missing around our tree this year, it hurt, and it hurt deeply, but I have to believe that one day she will be back and Christmas can once again be complete. But, on a bright note, we had a new official family member this year in Bennie, my daughter Sarah's husband. He's been around for a long time, but this year he is officially one of us. I couldn't love him more if he were my own child. And then Patrick has Amber this year. What a gift she has been. I dearly love this girl. She feels like one of us already. He is madly in love with her and vice versa. To see this wonderful girl making my son so happy and so obviously in love with him has been my favorite gift this Christmas. (maybe next Christmas there will be a diamond ring!!!).

And now we get ready to start a brand new year. May it be filled with hope for everyone.  I have to believe that it will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have just enough energy left to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

May you find, at least for a fleeting moment, that child within you that believes with your whole heart.

  Patrick and Austin had taken off for Grandma's. Jimmy was upstairs getting ready to go Christmas shopping with me (there was some odd lineup of planets yesterday!), and I was quietly going over my shopping list. Tucker, my beautiful, devoted furry Golden was lying at my feet asleep.The house was so quiet that you could have heard a mouse peeing on cotton.  That's when I heard it and felt the world come to a screeching halt.

  What did I hear? I heard the jingle bells on my Christmas tree jingle. Then I heard pine needles falling on wrapped gifts under the tree. OH MY GOSH!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD MADE THOSE JINGLE BELLS JINGLE?  Jimmy walked into the room less than one second after this happened and I asked, "Did you hear THAT? Well, of course, he didn't! He asked me what I heard. When I told him, I got that look that parents get on their faces when their children tell them about aliens that abducted them in the middle of the  night while we were sleeping. He walked over and touched my forehead to see if I had a fever, patted me on my shoulder like one would do with a demented old maid Aunt and asked me if I was ready to go.  

 Now, I guess this is where I should tell you that I have an inordinate fear of mice. I have never met another person in my life that is more afraid of a mouse than I am. To me there is no distinction at all between being thrown into a room of lions or tigers, or bears, or mice. They are all just the same to me. Is this silly and unreasonable as I've been told? Hell NO!  

 So, Jimmy looks up at me where I'm standing on the chair and asks calmly if I'm ready to go!

I mean it people, the man was just going to walk out of our house and leave that vile specimen of wildlife to have it's way in MY HOUSE! Well, let me tell you, that was NOT going to happen! I instructed him that he must go into the garage and get mouse traps. I told him that he must set every mouse trap we had in the family room and kitchen. He laughed at me! Yes, he laughed at me. He tried to convince me that I had not heard what I knew that I had heard. He asked me when I had ever heard of a mouse being in a Christmas tree making jingle bells jingle. As calmly as I could, with my voice cracking and my eyes filled with tears I described again exactly what I had heard. He still didn't believe me but he knew that I wasn't coming down off of that chair unless and until he did something that involved mousetraps. So, he did what any sane man with a hysterical wife standing  on a chair would do, he went into the garage and got a mouse trap. He prepared it with peanut butter and set it behind the Christmas tree. He then put Tucker in the kennel so he wouldn't get caught in the trap while we were gone. I ran, and I do mean RAN out of the house.  

 It took me an hour of shopping to forget about the wild creature ravaging my home. Every time I mentioned it, he would give me that sympathetic pat on my shoulder and mutter something very patronizing. He still didn't believe me.   Four hours later we returned home. I, of course, made him come in the house first and make sure it was safe. I stood in the hallway scared to death. He came back with this funny look on his face and said, "You were right, there was something in the tree. The trap was set off but it got away." IT GOT AWAY? IT GOT AWAY? How can this be happening?  I have to LIVE in this house!! I cannot LIVE in this house with wild creatures inside! Jimmy  let Tucker out of his kennel and he immediately ran to the tree, nose to the ground sniffing. He sniffed all over the hearth and around several pieces of furniture. Then he meandered to the kitchen and settled himself on the floor for a nap (the dog, not Jimmy). He reset the trap and went to change his clothes. And where was I while he was doing this? Standing in the hallway with my coat still on and packages still in my arms, with tears in my eyes, wondering how I was  going to sell this house and be in a new mouse-free one by Christmas.  

 It's now 14 hours later. Jimmy and Patrick had the nerve to go to work today and leave me here.  Tucker and I are the only ones in the house. Well, I guess that's not entirely true, we are the only ones in the house that are supposed to be here. I stayed in bed till noon, not sleeping!  I have to work today, thank goodness! I would really love to have lunch and something to drink before I leave, but since that would involve going to the back half of the house, that's not going to happen.  

I will be forever traumatized by the sound of jingle bells. Dammit!

So true it's scary!

I received the following in a nursing newsletter I get. I think it's hilarious and it's so true that it's scary. Enjoy.

Introduction:

Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses.  What treasures lurk
beneath those crisp white  uniforms  and what young man doesn't have
fantasies of discovering  those secrets for himself.

SCREEEEEECH.  Reality Check!

I've been married to a nurse for going on a quarter of  a century and
let me tell you nurses are not what you
expect and I don't even care what you expect because you  are wrong! 
Let's begin by tearing down some of the more  famous assumptions about
nurses right off the top.

The Nurse as Sex Kitten:

Anyone who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to
rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or
"Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric
skin flicks will be immediately struck by the fact that all nurses have
heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight
white uniforms. You will also learn that nurses always wear white
garters and hose and high heels.  This of course is a handy dress code
because movie nurses spend a lot of time hopping in and out of patient's
beds.
The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs, shapeless draping hunks of
cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a
second look.  Shoes are white clunky nursing shoes or sneakers with
blobs of things on them better left un-described.  Socks replace white
hose and garters and when is the last time anyone saw a nursing cap? 
Graduation perhaps?

Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem." 
Get a life Bub!  If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with
you and if you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick not to
mention, they have seen better.  I don't care how good looking you are,
they have seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money
or at least someone who didn't smell bad.

The Nurse as an Angel:

If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse.  Some
uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures, demure
and loving... a cross between a nun and their Mom.  Well, hate to bust
your bubble, guy, but as a group nurses are some of the rawest gals you
will run into.  I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the
outside, inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot,
break your heart or drive a normal person nuts, so most nurses get a
very wicked sense of humor squarely lodged in the black to sick side of
the scale.  As I said above, nurses have almost always seen better and
that includes personal anatomy.  Any male foolish enough to think that
he ranks among the Gods when it comes to endowments will be quickly
dismayed to learn that his sweet little dear has seen MUCH better! 

Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head
injury case she saw in nursing school while holding up her arm and
grabbing her elbow with her hand to put things into scale.  If you think
your little Willie was king, well you're wrong!  In fact I've never met
a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.  Also, in
case you are looking for sympathy for the little boo-boo you had in the
shop, forget it!  Lets say as a typical male klutz you manage to saw
your finger off.  You go running to your nurse wife or girlfriend who is
on the  phone with a nurse friend of hers.  As she continues to talk to
her friend, she slaps a towel on your finger after giving the stub a
good eyeballing, takes out a baggy to put
the severed digit in, tells you to get some ice while she is explaining
to her friend that her dummy S/O just sawed his finger off.  As you
stand there for 15 minutes she  calmly finishes her conversation as
though nothing is going on until finally she says, "Well I guess I
better get Fred to the hospital."  She hangs up the phone, looks at you,
sighs and says, "Let's go."

You have just learned an important lesson.  On the nurse scale of
emergencies, yours is like a minus 9!  As my wife has told me, "when you
are on a ventilator, with six meds running and 10 minute vitals, then
you're sick.  Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"


The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:

As a male either dating or married to a nurse you should realize one
important thing.  There are nurses everywhere.  That in itself is nobig
deal, but the fact is that every
nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses so that by the time you
are finished, a nurse on the Island nation of Chuuk who observes you
doing something you shouldn't has the immediate capability of getting
word to your wife or girlfriend.   

This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has
existed for a much longer time.  Take it for granted that your nurse S/O
will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get
home!

Your Social Life with Nurses:

Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your
friends are married to nurses.  The reason this happens is because in
situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get
ugly.  For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse S/O another
nurse couple and two civilian couples.  The nurses sit and chat,
discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was
sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations
all over a nice pasta dinner.  The nurses carry on talking as the
civilian couples
turn funny colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflex and this is
if the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the
homeless guy with maggots in his bleeding sores!  After several dinners
and gatherings like this you will soon find your circle of friends has
shrunk significantly.  The key to avoiding this is to do the following:
Never go out in mixed groups with more than one nurse.  A lone nurse is
OK, the trouble starts when you have more than one and when that
happens, keep the regular folks away.  Also, if you are going to be
around a group of nurses in a social gathering, be sure to sit with the
non nurses.  You might as well because the nurses will be so busy
talking among themselves about work that you and any other non nurse
will be totally ignored.  Also get used to the idea that some friends
and neighbors will take advantage of your S/O being a nurse by calling
at all hours of the day and night for advice.  This may include male
friends dropping trousers to show your sweetie his rash.  Best advice I
can give is to just deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.

The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:

Most nurses have the constitution of a horse, which isn't true because
I've been around horses and they get sick more often. The reason for
this is pretty simple.  After about 3-5 years on the job, nurses have
been exposed to so many bugs that
they either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind.  If
you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a
nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years!  That said though, you
don't have all these antibodies so when she comes home with the
sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse case of
the flu in your life! Oh and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't
even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes.  It will mess
with your mind as she talks about her Resistant TB patient!

Conclusion:

Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses.  You know, they
really are and I thank God every day for my nurse!

Author: Rick Williams

I had no idea!!!

Mother's Day before last, my son, Patrick gave me a gift certificate for a hot stone massage. I was thrilled. I've never had a massage before and had always thought it would be wonderful to have one.

I have saved that certificate for "someday". You know how when you have something  very special and you don't want to use it up. You know that once you've used it, it's just gone and you don't want that to happen. Well, that's how I have been with this gift certificate. It was comforting  just to know that I had it. It was mine, kind of like my ace in the hole. I loved having  the potential to get a massage. I'm weird like that I guess.

Well, he's been asking me when I was going to use it. I kept saying the same thing over and over..."I don't want to use it up." To which he would reply, "I'll get you another one."  Well, the stress in my life finally got the best of me and I decided that it was time to use my certificate.

His best friend Todd's wife is the  massage therapist. She is one of the sweetest girls I've ever met in my life. When this girl hugs you, you can feel her soul in her hug. She's very "other worldish" if that makes any sense. I love Jenny. In fact I've often wished that she had a twin sister for Patrick (not necessary now, the Amber-Patrick thing is going wonderfully). Anyway, I just got back from my hot stone massage at Jenny's.

It was the most wonderful thing I've ever done. I know that sounds like an exaggeration. Trust me, it's not. She has this wonderful table with the most luxurious flannel sheets. There was soft music  playing in the background, very calming flute music. The room smelled like what I imagine heaven must smell like, I can't name it, but it was divine.  I undressed and got on the table and it was the beginning of the most wonderful hour of my entire life. I didn't know that something could feel that good. I didn't know that one could be pampered quite like that. Why in the world didn't I do this before?

If you've never done this, do yourself a favor and book one for yourself. If you need a gift idea, this is the perfect gift for anyone! Oh, and if you happen to give one to someone  like me. Don't let them put it on a shelf and save it! Book the appointment for them.

Out of the mouths of babes

I just stepped on one of Austin's Matchbox cars  with my bare foot.It's a common occurrence  around here and it usually makes we want to say something that I shouldn't say. But today it reminded me of one of those "gems" that Austin came up with a couple of years ago. I just have to share it with you.

Three years ago when Austin was four years old, we were on our way to take him to day care when I remembered that he had to take a $5.00 gift for a boy to the Christmas gift exchange that day. I decided to run into Kroger, figuring I could find something in that price range in their little toy aisle. We found a card of five Matchbox cars for $5.00 and quickly snatched it up along with a little gift bag to put them in. When we got back to the car I buckled him into the back seat and put the cars and bag in the front seat beside me. Before we even got out of the parking lot Austin asked to look at the cars again. I handed him the cars and told him not to open them. He promised that he wouldn't. "I just want to look at them while we drive, Mommy." A couple of miles down the road and I hear this sweet, winsome little voice saying, to no one in particular, "These sure are cools cars. I really love this red car. I sure wish I had cars just like these. These are the neatest cars I've ever seen."  This little dialog went on for about three minutes. I said nothing for a while. Now mind you, he wasn't coming right out and asking me  if he could keep the cars for himself, he was using the subliminal method! Finally, when my heart strings had been tugged on sufficiently, I said to him, "Austin, it's a lot more fun to give a gift than it is to get a gift." He immediately said that he didn't think so and asked me why I thought so. "When you give someone a gift, it makes your heart warm. It makes you feel good to know that you've done something for someone  else. It just makes your heart grow. It's good for your heart to give rather than get." He thought for a minute, saying nothing. Just when I thought that I must have convinced him of this wisdom I hear the sweetest little voice I've ever heard say, "Mommy, I think my heart will be OK if I keep them".

Post script:  Soft touch that I am, I bet your thinking that I let him keep them . Wrong!!  But guess what was in his Christmas stocking that year.

COMFORT FOOD

  When I was a child I was a very picky eater. I was forever spending the night with one friend or another and my mother  was afraid that I wouldn't like what they had for supper and would go to bed hungry. So, she taught me the pure joy of bread and butter, reasoning that if I didn't like anything else that was served I could make it through the night if I had a couple of pieces of bread and butter. I wish she'd never taught me this. I absolutely love bread and butter. Some girls drown their sorrows in Ben & Jerry's. I drown mine in bread and butter. Doesn't matter what kind of bread it is, and margarine will do when there is no real butter. I judge every restaurant on their bread and butter. I cannot ever, for any reason, NOT have the bread and butter. Diets be dammed. Don't get between me and my bread and butter.  

 I was scheduled to work this evening. I had my shower and was getting dressed for work today when they called and told me that our census was down and I was being put on call (we take turns taking call) until 7 pm. I asked, as I always do what the odds are that I would be called in. I was told slim to none. So, I decided to start baking cookies. Wouldn't you know, at 3:30 they call me in. Grrrr! Not that I minded working today, I was all set to go when they called me off. But when I got interested in something else and had to stop in the middle and get myself to work, well, it just messed up my aura! I got to work and was told I had three admissions coming up from the ER and a vascular post op patient coming. Admissions are a lot of work. One admission a night can really screw you up and here I was getting four of them. Suffice it to say, work was not fun tonight. But do you know what got me through the last 2 hours of my shift? The thought of the bread and butter I could have when I got home.   I've just finished eating my bread and butter. I'm almost Zen-like now. I know that I could be almost in a pleasure coma if I go back to the kitchen and fix myself one more piece of bread and butter.  

 Never let it be said that I don't have any self control!

BLUE CHRISTMAS

  The tree is up and decorated. The ingredients for the annual cookie bake are  bought .  I've made a dent in the  Christmas shopping.  I have "Believe" signs all over the house.    I've played my favorite Christmas music for a week. We've had the annual viewing of PRANCER (one of my all time favorite Christmas movies.) We've watched POLAR EXPRESS and read Christmas stories. I've worn  Christmas sweaters and Christmas scrubs. I've opened several Christmas cards already.  I'm trying. I'm really trying to get myself in the right frame of mind for Christmas. I'm not doing so well at it though.  

 I have always loved Christmas. I've  loved everything about it, even down to the mind numbing stress of it all.  But this year, I just wish we could skip the whole extravaganza.  

 Last year was the worst Christmas I've ever spent in my entire life.  A Grinch was in my house last year and I do mean a real live Grinch. He managed to ruin my most favorite day of the year, and many hours of every day since then. His behavior was so horrid that it overshadowed every sweet and good thing that the day has always represented to me.   He left our home , taking with him one of the people I treasure most in this world, my daughter. It doesn't seem possible to me that a whole year has passed. It feels like it was yesterday. The feelings are just as raw and exposed today as they were then.  I've done everything I know to do to undo the damage he has done to my family. It has all been for naught. He ended up getting exactly what he wanted., and is perfectly happy with the carnage he has left in his wake. I harbor feelings for this person that no one should have towards anyone. It has poisoned me.  It has done something to my heart that I can't find a way to repair. And it hangs over my Christmas like an anvil.  

 Children grow up. It's a wonderful thing.  I've often commented to people how cool it is to have adult children. I enjoy my adult children so much.   We never stop being parents, but it's so nice when you realize that you've raised these neat people  and they finally become your friends. I enjoy my daughter, Sarah Kate and son, Patrick.  They  make me smile all the time. I love them fiercely and know that they love me. They try so hard to make up for the heartache of last Christmas, a heartache that they've suffered as well and had no part in causing. One child cannot replace another. I don't know how to enjoy Christmas when  one of my children is so obviously absent from us.  She was my Christmas baby.  She is my Christmas baby. My heart needs her. Not just at Christmas, but every day of the year. 

This is probably Austin's last year to be a complete believer in the magic that  surrounds Christmas. His friends (darn them) are intent upon  ridding him of his innocence.  I want this Christmas to be a very memorable one for him. I want this  to be a very good and memorable Christmas for us all. But when we all wake up on Christmas morning this year and gather around the tree and begin the multiple  little traditions we have  been performing for years around here on Christmas mornings, there will be an empty place.  That empty place  looms large in front of me. I don't want to see it. I don't want to feel the feelings that go with it. I want my Christmas baby back. I want that precious  girl to see what love really is and I want her out of the clutches of the Grinch. Santa, bring my baby back to me.

Chaotic

My mind is everywhere today. I've found it hard to focus on anything. I had an emotional night at work last night working with a favorite patient that is dying and her family that I've  come to love. This dear, sweet lady is 92 years old. She has breast cancer that they've chosen not to treat. She is now in atrial fibrillation which is causing  renal failure. They can't treat her with Heparin (standard treatment for A-fib) because she has a GI bleed. This little lady is like the LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD, she just simply refuses to give up the  fight. She is completely alert and oriented. Still trying to be the strong mother and grandmother that she's always been. Her only child is a son. To watch this man with his mother is a true blessing. He absolutely adores her, as she does him. They are so comfortable with each other. His children, all daughters are beautiful girls with the most loving hearts. Her son, in a moment of sadness, outside of her room last night asked me to tell him the truth. He asked me point blank, "Is Mom going to die tonight?" I get asked this question so many times. If only we knew. He has accepted that his mother is dying. He doesn't want her to suffer. And yet, in his eyes, I see a glimpse of the little boy he once was and he can't bear the thought of losing his mother. I told him that death didn't seem to be imminent at that time, but we can never say for certain. He broke down, and my heart absolutely broke in a million pieces for him, this devoted son, strong father and proud grandfather. He said to me in that moment, "I don't know how you all do it, watch people die all the time." Through my own tears, I squeezed his hand back and said, simply, "To share someone's dying moment is a gift."

I'm not sure if he understood what I meant, but I think he did. He didn't ask me to explain it. I've  had many people ask me a similar question many times. My own son, Patrick often wonders out loud how I can stand it. My answer is always the same. "It's a gift to share that moment with a dying person". I don't know exactly how to explain it. I know that I've experienced it many times now and I always feel grateful that I've been there. Truly grateful that I could offer some comfort to the families, often times without a single word being spoken. But mostly, I'm thankful for the privilege of being in the room  at the moment of death, that time when the soul leaves the body. I can literally feel the presence of angels, many of them, unseen, unheard, but oh so present at that moment of death.  It can't be explained, it can only be felt. The dying give you gifts of the soul that no one else can give you. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. I don't look forward to people dying. Rather, I don't fear it. I know a lot of people run from it. There are nurses that I work with that absolutely hate it, and they will purposely stay out of a room when they know that death is moments away. I feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for the families that need a silent, comforting hand on their shoulder, a reassuring presence in the room. I feel sorry for these nurses because they cheat themselves out of an experience  where the art of our profession becomes more important than the science of it.

There are many times that a patient dies completely alone in a room. No family by the bedside, no nurse to hold their hand. This makes me so sad. No one should have to die alone. No one.

I hated to leave work last night. In fact I stayed for an extra hour. I know that the night shift nurse I reported off to is a very compassionate and loving nurse and I knew that if something were to happen last night that they were in good hands. I didn't want to leave for my own selfish reasons. I have come to love this dear lady. I have taken care of her so many times that she has come to feel like my own family. I gave the night shift nurse my phone number and asked her to call me if she thought her death was imminent. She promised she would call. No call came. I called the nurses station today and she will still alive. I am off again tomorrow and won't be back in until Friday night. I've requested to have her as my patient again on Friday.

I guess I'm not finished learning from this dear soul. Last night, as sick as she was she told me how to make tomato gravy. She asked about my little boy. She is so present. So dear. I am not anxious for her death, no, not at all. It's just that I've shared in her love and been blessed by her loving spirit. I want to be there when the angels come for her.

Who dey?

I don't think I've talked about my beloved Bengals here. I have been a huge Bengals fan for years and years. I was a Bengals fan when it wasn't cool to be a Bengals fan. I used to dress my kids up in Bengals "stuff" on Sundays when they were losing every game. I stuck with them through allll the lean years. I declined every Sunday afternoon invitation during football season. I sat and cheered and cried and "waited till next week" for many many years. I called sports radio shows and defended them when no one else did. I was ridiculed and laughed at with abandon. But I stood strong and kept the faith.

This year, (Thank you Marvin, Carson, Chad, Rudy, and TJ) my boys are back!! We're playing Pittsburgh today. Good game going on right now, no, GREAT game going on right now. And wouldn't ya know, I have to leave in 15 minutes for work. I swear, sometimes life just ain't one bit fair.

So, would someone please watch this game for me and cheer them on in my absence. I'm hoping to find an empty room at work and turn on the game, but that's not bloody likely.

 

Last night was the annual Cardiology Christmas party. One of the cardiology groups that come to our hospital throws this bash every year for the nurses and and doctors from area hospitals. I've never gone before. I've always worked for others so they could go. After hearing all the stories of the past several years, I decided that I wanted to go and see the carnage for myself.

It was very nice. Good food and a free flowing bar. Good music and a large dance floor. It's amazing how different people are outside of the work invironment. I've never seen most of these people in regular clothes. I'm amazed at how different people look when we're not wearing those lovely shapeless scrubs we seem to live in. And when the ever flowing coffee is replaced by everflowing wine, beer and vodka concoctions the conversation takes  on a whole different tone as well.

The youngest group from our unit (monitor watcher and unit secretaries),full of liquid courage left around 10 o'clock to go ride a mechanical bull at a local bar. I wonder how many of them will show up for work tonight and how many bones were broken. Several of them were supposed to be at work at 7'oclock this morning. I'll bet at least half of them called in. My best friend from work just called me to tell me that she won't be at work tonight. Something about throwing up all night and a migraine headache that has rendered her unable to sit upright for any extended period of time. Yes, work should be a blast tonight.

We have one token male that works on our unit as a monitor watcher. I saw him several times in corners working his questionable charm on some surprising people. My mind has worked overtime wondering if he was at all successful in wooing someone to go home with him and what the fall-out will be in terms of working relationships.

Our charge nurse was led out of the place  at around 10:30. She had that "zombie" look. I don't think she will even remember being there. She couldn't have had a good time, she looked pretty miserable. I imagine she will feel even more miserable today and she will probably  be a little sheepish about coming to work on Monday.

And I know you're all wondering about "moi"! Well, I was a happy little thing! My husband got me a pretty little drink when we got there. I asked what it was and he said, "just drink it". So, being the obedient little thing that I am, I did. What he didn't tell me  was that I should have  stirred it first. It was vodka and cranberry juice, but the vodka was sitting on top so I got most of the vodka in the first gulp. Whoa! Potent! I should say here that I'm not much of a drinker. I maybe have five drinks a year. So I'm a cheap date.  For the whole night, I only had three drinks. I was appropriately buzzed but able to enjoy it and laugh a lot.

Not being much of a drinker, I'm always amazed at  how different I feel when I do drink. What is it that makes all those inhibitions go way. Well, ok, not all of the inhibitions, but some of them anyway. I think I had my husband a little scared when I whispered one of my fantasies in his ear (something about being under a table  and trying to ruffle his feathers). He smiled, like he thought it sounded like fun, but he immediately told me he wouldn't be getting me any more of those little  vodka/cranberry thingies. We've been married for 27 years and the man was so shocked by my idea that he actually blushed. I say he has no spirit of adventure. It was his  one shot in life at seeing me take a walk on the wild side and he blew it! LOL Actually, I probably wouldn't have done it, but it sure was fun to imagine!

So, anyway, that was the cardiology party. Tonight it's back to the scrubs and coffee. Back to being straight-laced me. As for my husband, he asked me this morning, "So how long have you had that little fantasy?" I just smiled. Something tells me that he's a little sorry that he didn't call my bluff. I bet he won't be calling me Donna Reed again in the very near future.

Happy Birthday Emily,

Twenty four years ago this  very morning you were placed in my arms for the very first time and you moved straight into my heart. The spot that you occupied there has always been yours and always will be. I watched in awe as you grew into a fiercely independent little girl with big dreams and the vision and fortitude to make them happen. You were never afraid to say exactly what was on your mind and go after whatever you set your sights on with a dogged determination and "can do" attitude that often made me wonder how any of my DNA could have anything whatsoever to do  with you being born. Contrary to what you think, it is one  of the things I love and admire most about you.

I think it will not be until or unless you have a daughter of your own that you could ever understand the depth of my love for you. I love you unconditionally and I miss you with a longing that I cannot even begin to describe with mere words.

Happy Birthday, my dear Emily, may your day be filled with love and all things good.

Love,

Mom

Wouldn't you know!! It's snowing! I cleaned all day yesterday. My house is immaculate, my laundry is done. I could spend the whole day just reading by the fire and enjoying the beautiful falling snow in solitude. But I have to get ready for work. I'm just not holding my mouth right, I guess.