BLUE CHRISTMAS

  The tree is up and decorated. The ingredients for the annual cookie bake are  bought .  I've made a dent in the  Christmas shopping.  I have "Believe" signs all over the house.    I've played my favorite Christmas music for a week. We've had the annual viewing of PRANCER (one of my all time favorite Christmas movies.) We've watched POLAR EXPRESS and read Christmas stories. I've worn  Christmas sweaters and Christmas scrubs. I've opened several Christmas cards already.  I'm trying. I'm really trying to get myself in the right frame of mind for Christmas. I'm not doing so well at it though.  

 I have always loved Christmas. I've  loved everything about it, even down to the mind numbing stress of it all.  But this year, I just wish we could skip the whole extravaganza.  

 Last year was the worst Christmas I've ever spent in my entire life.  A Grinch was in my house last year and I do mean a real live Grinch. He managed to ruin my most favorite day of the year, and many hours of every day since then. His behavior was so horrid that it overshadowed every sweet and good thing that the day has always represented to me.   He left our home , taking with him one of the people I treasure most in this world, my daughter. It doesn't seem possible to me that a whole year has passed. It feels like it was yesterday. The feelings are just as raw and exposed today as they were then.  I've done everything I know to do to undo the damage he has done to my family. It has all been for naught. He ended up getting exactly what he wanted., and is perfectly happy with the carnage he has left in his wake. I harbor feelings for this person that no one should have towards anyone. It has poisoned me.  It has done something to my heart that I can't find a way to repair. And it hangs over my Christmas like an anvil.  

 Children grow up. It's a wonderful thing.  I've often commented to people how cool it is to have adult children. I enjoy my adult children so much.   We never stop being parents, but it's so nice when you realize that you've raised these neat people  and they finally become your friends. I enjoy my daughter, Sarah Kate and son, Patrick.  They  make me smile all the time. I love them fiercely and know that they love me. They try so hard to make up for the heartache of last Christmas, a heartache that they've suffered as well and had no part in causing. One child cannot replace another. I don't know how to enjoy Christmas when  one of my children is so obviously absent from us.  She was my Christmas baby.  She is my Christmas baby. My heart needs her. Not just at Christmas, but every day of the year. 

This is probably Austin's last year to be a complete believer in the magic that  surrounds Christmas. His friends (darn them) are intent upon  ridding him of his innocence.  I want this Christmas to be a very memorable one for him. I want this  to be a very good and memorable Christmas for us all. But when we all wake up on Christmas morning this year and gather around the tree and begin the multiple  little traditions we have  been performing for years around here on Christmas mornings, there will be an empty place.  That empty place  looms large in front of me. I don't want to see it. I don't want to feel the feelings that go with it. I want my Christmas baby back. I want that precious  girl to see what love really is and I want her out of the clutches of the Grinch. Santa, bring my baby back to me.