So true it's scary!

I received the following in a nursing newsletter I get. I think it's hilarious and it's so true that it's scary. Enjoy.

Introduction:

Ah, such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses.  What treasures lurk
beneath those crisp white  uniforms  and what young man doesn't have
fantasies of discovering  those secrets for himself.

SCREEEEEECH.  Reality Check!

I've been married to a nurse for going on a quarter of  a century and
let me tell you nurses are not what you
expect and I don't even care what you expect because you  are wrong! 
Let's begin by tearing down some of the more  famous assumptions about
nurses right off the top.

The Nurse as Sex Kitten:

Anyone who lived through the early seventies or has made it a point to
rent such famous videos as "Night Duty Nurses" or "Student Nurses" or
"Night Duty Student Nurses" or any one of several dozen nurse-centric
skin flicks will be immediately struck by the fact that all nurses have
heaving bosoms, just millimeters away from popping out of skin tight
white uniforms. You will also learn that nurses always wear white
garters and hose and high heels.  This of course is a handy dress code
because movie nurses spend a lot of time hopping in and out of patient's
beds.
The reality is that most nurses wear scrubs, shapeless draping hunks of
cotton that could cause you to breeze past Pamela Anderson without a
second look.  Shoes are white clunky nursing shoes or sneakers with
blobs of things on them better left un-described.  Socks replace white
hose and garters and when is the last time anyone saw a nursing cap? 
Graduation perhaps?

Now as far as a nurse hopping into your bed to relieve your "problem." 
Get a life Bub!  If you aren't sick they don't have time to mess with
you and if you are sick, you probably look, feel and smell sick not to
mention, they have seen better.  I don't care how good looking you are,
they have seen better and it was probably a doctor making lots of money
or at least someone who didn't smell bad.

The Nurse as an Angel:

If you want to hear the latest gross jokes, just find a nurse.  Some
uninformed males seem to think of nurses as angelic creatures, demure
and loving... a cross between a nun and their Mom.  Well, hate to bust
your bubble, guy, but as a group nurses are some of the rawest gals you
will run into.  I don't care how sweet and demure they may look on the
outside, inside is someone who has seen things that would gag a maggot,
break your heart or drive a normal person nuts, so most nurses get a
very wicked sense of humor squarely lodged in the black to sick side of
the scale.  As I said above, nurses have almost always seen better and
that includes personal anatomy.  Any male foolish enough to think that
he ranks among the Gods when it comes to endowments will be quickly
dismayed to learn that his sweet little dear has seen MUCH better! 

Just bring the subject up and you will most likely hear about the head
injury case she saw in nursing school while holding up her arm and
grabbing her elbow with her hand to put things into scale.  If you think
your little Willie was king, well you're wrong!  In fact I've never met
a nurse that didn't have a BIG WILLIE story, so be forewarned.  Also, in
case you are looking for sympathy for the little boo-boo you had in the
shop, forget it!  Lets say as a typical male klutz you manage to saw
your finger off.  You go running to your nurse wife or girlfriend who is
on the  phone with a nurse friend of hers.  As she continues to talk to
her friend, she slaps a towel on your finger after giving the stub a
good eyeballing, takes out a baggy to put
the severed digit in, tells you to get some ice while she is explaining
to her friend that her dummy S/O just sawed his finger off.  As you
stand there for 15 minutes she  calmly finishes her conversation as
though nothing is going on until finally she says, "Well I guess I
better get Fred to the hospital."  She hangs up the phone, looks at you,
sighs and says, "Let's go."

You have just learned an important lesson.  On the nurse scale of
emergencies, yours is like a minus 9!  As my wife has told me, "when you
are on a ventilator, with six meds running and 10 minute vitals, then
you're sick.  Anything less than that isn't worth getting excited over!"


The Nurses Mutual Benefit Network:

As a male either dating or married to a nurse you should realize one
important thing.  There are nurses everywhere.  That in itself is nobig
deal, but the fact is that every
nurse knows other nurses who know more nurses so that by the time you
are finished, a nurse on the Island nation of Chuuk who observes you
doing something you shouldn't has the immediate capability of getting
word to your wife or girlfriend.   

This system is way more reliable and efficient than the Internet and has
existed for a much longer time.  Take it for granted that your nurse S/O
will know about anything you have done, good or bad, before you get
home!

Your Social Life with Nurses:

Nurses hang out with other nurses and soon you may find that all your
friends are married to nurses.  The reason this happens is because in
situations where nurses mingle with nonmedical folks things can get
ugly.  For example, you are out to dinner with your nurse S/O another
nurse couple and two civilian couples.  The nurses sit and chat,
discussing fun things like bleeding bowels, open sores, how much fat was
sucked out of some patient, projectile vomiting, traumatic amputations
all over a nice pasta dinner.  The nurses carry on talking as the
civilian couples
turn funny colors, make faces and suppress their gag reflex and this is
if the nurses don't have any really gross things to share like the
homeless guy with maggots in his bleeding sores!  After several dinners
and gatherings like this you will soon find your circle of friends has
shrunk significantly.  The key to avoiding this is to do the following:
Never go out in mixed groups with more than one nurse.  A lone nurse is
OK, the trouble starts when you have more than one and when that
happens, keep the regular folks away.  Also, if you are going to be
around a group of nurses in a social gathering, be sure to sit with the
non nurses.  You might as well because the nurses will be so busy
talking among themselves about work that you and any other non nurse
will be totally ignored.  Also get used to the idea that some friends
and neighbors will take advantage of your S/O being a nurse by calling
at all hours of the day and night for advice.  This may include male
friends dropping trousers to show your sweetie his rash.  Best advice I
can give is to just deal with it and hope it isn't contagious.

The Health Ramifications of being with a Nurse:

Most nurses have the constitution of a horse, which isn't true because
I've been around horses and they get sick more often. The reason for
this is pretty simple.  After about 3-5 years on the job, nurses have
been exposed to so many bugs that
they either end up dead or full of every antibody known to mankind.  If
you want the ultimate booster shot, just get a blood transfusion from a
nurse who's worked in a hospital for 20 years!  That said though, you
don't have all these antibodies so when she comes home with the
sniffles, a week later you're flat on your back with the worse case of
the flu in your life! Oh and if you are the least bit squeamish, don't
even think about the bugs she brings home on her clothes.  It will mess
with your mind as she talks about her Resistant TB patient!

Conclusion:

Ah such mysterious, wondrous creatures are nurses.  You know, they
really are and I thank God every day for my nurse!

Author: Rick Williams