Spontaneous Combustion

I am a living volcano!  Eighteen hours out of twenty-four  I'm an active volcano. When I was younger and would hear women talking about this lovely experience I would think that they were over exaggerating. I know better now.

 

Do you remember the flames behind the wizard's curtain in The Wizard of Oz? Have you ever seen the flames flare when your squirt charcoal lighter on charcoal in the grill? Have you ever watched the mushroom of fire when a bomb is dropped? Well, welcome to my reality! This heat starts somewhere in the very center of my body and just explodes in all directions. I can't get out of clothes quick enough when it happens. I swear, sometimes I think you could roast hot dogs and marshmallows on me.

 

I used to be a cold blooded animal. When everyone around me was comfortable, I was freezing. I have more flannel pj's and nightgowns than the law should allow. I am a collector of blankets, polar fleece, and afghans. In  my past life I loved being wrapped up in my flannel and fleece in front of a raging fire in the fireplace. How I miss those days.

 

There are  many questions that I want to ask God when I get to heaven. One of them will be; "Why did you design women the way you did?"  I will be eternally grateful that I was allowed to  experience the miracle of having a new life growing inside of me. Giving birth, even though it's excruciatingly painful is an experience I wouldn't have wanted to miss. Having a period every month was not something I counted among the high points of being female. PMS, even though I didn't suffer it's horror like many women I know, was never a fun thing. But, I've gotta tell you these hot flashes are like hell on earth!

 

I am awakened about 12 times a night feeling like someone has set me on fire. I can't even remember the last time I slept through the night. This is very strange for me because I used to be one of those people that slept like the dead. NOTHING could wake me up. It's miserable! After a few minutes of waking up hotter than a firecracker, I get a chill because my skin is so wet from the hot flash. I cover up, settle back down to sleep and usually within a half an hour I'm wideawake again as I throw back the covers and begin stripping. Sometimes my outsides have goose bumps and I feel cold at the same time that my insides feel like molten lava.

 

I wear a scrub jacket at work over my scrub top because I need all the pockets for all the stuff I have to have handy while I  work. Some nights I feel like I'm going to rub blisters on my arms from the friction of putting my jacket off and on. I feel sweaty all the time. There were some nights this winter  when the only relief I could get was to rush outside in the freezing winter cold and just stand there for a few minutes.

 

This is sooooo NOT ME!!  It's getting on my nerves and driving everyone around me crazy. My husband and I used to always disagree about having the windows down in the car when the weather was chilly. I'm married to Grizzly Adams' long lost brother. He's very much an outdoorsman. He has always wanted a little brisk air in the car while he's driving. I'm freezing him to death!!!

 

This has got to end soon! It's making me an insane person.