I know that I'm his Mom and that I might be a little biased. But look at this picture and tell me he's not adorable!!

This was taken yesterday during a little break in the action of his baseball game. My older son, Patrick played college BASEBALL. I have spent thousands of hours watching baseball games. I love every minute of it. It's a little strange to go from college games to machine pitch Little League. Even if you don't have one of your own little ones playing, do yourself a favor and go watch a Little League game. They are so cute! Austin's skills are every bit as good as his brother's were at the same age. I don't know though that he has the same "eat it, breathe it, live it" love of the game that Patrick did. If he doesn't, that's ok (gulp). I'm just loving being at baseball games again. He's having a good time and meeting new friends. Life is good at the ballpark.

  Just One Girls Head Noise UK

The world lost a very special person a couple of weeks ago. I haven't addressed it here because honestly, I feel woefully inadequate to honor her in the manner she deserves. I honestly don't think that I've ever known of a person more selfless than Pam. To say that she inspired me would be an understatement. She made me constantly aware of the person that I wished I could be. She was going through hell on earth and managed to find the positive. She loved with her whole heart. I hope and pray that she knew to the very core of her soul how loved and respected she was. She had hundreds if not thousands praying for her. Her prognosis was never good, she knew that and I think everyone else has known that too. My head knew what her chances were. My heart though, just had to believe that if there was anyone in the world that could receive a miracle, it was Pam. Pam's life ended on Easter Sunday. But the miracle that was Pam will live on for a very long time in those of us that came to know her. I will never forget her or the lessons she taught us for the rest of my life.

 

Pam is beyond our prayers now. But she left two children that she loved with her whole being. My prayers will now be for them. I can't even imagine how bereft they must feel right now. They have Pam's blood pulsing through their veins and they had the fortune of being mothered by her, I have little doubt that her amazing outlook and loving nature will live on in them. As for the rest of us, we must all take what Pam taught us and do our best to live inspired lives. It is the best way I know of to honor her.  

How I threw the Easter Bunny under the bus to save Santa Claus

I am a desperate mother. Some would think it ridiculous the lengths I have gone to so that my children's fantasies remained untarnished. Even I have questioned why a belief in Santa Claus is so terribly important to me. I haven't answered that question for myself with complete satisfaction, perhaps I never will. It's just that to me, having that belief in Santa and all the magic and wonderment that goes with it somehow makes up for the disappointing things in life. It is a small oasis of complete joy and awe that an ordinary life  just needs.

 

As a child, I was so anxious to grow up that I continually questioned everyone I came into contact with on the validity of Santa. I would pretend to certain non family adults that I had been told that there was no Santa hoping that they would slip up and confirm my worst fear. They didn't. But I was relentless. I kept asking and asking. I wonder what it was in me that wanted to burst my own bubble. Finally in exasperation my mother broke down and told me the truth. I was devastated and heartbroken. I don't think I have ever fully forgiven myself for asking or my mother for telling me.

 

In light of the above it's no wonder that I have gone to great lengths to preserve the belief in Santa with my children. When my first three children were little I began the practice of wrapping everything that Santa brought. I made sure that the wrapping paper used for these gifts was completely different than the gifts that "I" bought and wrapped that were under our tree. I went to great trouble making sure that "Santa's" wrapping paper was not seen before OR after Christmas. When I think back on how secretive I was with that wrapping paper even I have to shake my head!! Somewhere along the line of creating Santa for my kids I began to believe in him again. To this day whenever I look at pictures of my children around that time I can get tears in my eyes when I see the look of sheer wonder, excitement and expectation  on their little faces. When my Emily was around 6 years old she began in earnest to get the real scoop on Santa. Like me, she was always anxious to grow up. She didn't just ask me if Santa was real during the Christmas season, she asked me year round. She'd try to catch me off guard and ask in a very grown up way for me to tell her the truth. She was convinced there was no Santa and she wasn't going to rest until I admitted it. I remember the day she wore me down like it was yesterday. I can see the look on her face and I can remember exactly where we stood in my bedroom. She's pulled me into my bedroom and took me to the far side of the room. And she asked me for what was probably the 500th time. "Mommy, tell me the truth, is there really a Santa Claus?" I do not know what possessed me, and I've regretted it ever since but in total exasperation I said in what I remember to be an irritated tone of voice, "No, Emily, there is no Santa Claus! Are you happy now?" The instant it was out of my mouth I regretted. it. I felt like I had stolen all the magic in her world. She, however, seem nonplussed and took it with a grain of salt. Patrick never did ask me. Sarah asked me many times. I never ever told her there was no Santa.

 

As I've said before, when I discovered I was pregnant at the ripe old age of 40 I was less than thrilled, to put it mildly. But one day I realized that I would have this fresh little believer again!! It was one of the first things about being pregnant that I was able to find any joy in. So, is it any wonder that I protect the idea of Santa Claus so ferociously?

 

As for the Easter Bunny, eh, I don't think I ever totally bought into that idea. I mean Santa is a man, a living human being! But a bunny, traveling the world delivering baskets of Candy? Come on, it's just too far fetched even for a sucker like me! So last week when it was time to do the shopping for stuff for Easter baskets I found myself in a delemma. I had the requisite candy bought several weeks in advance (and for the first time in the history of my buying Easter candy, I DIDN'T eat a single piece of it before Easter!). I went to ToysRUs last Saturday to buy a few little toys to go in Austin's basket. One of the toys I got for him was a Super Soaker squirt gun, massive thing!! My nephew and his wife had a new baby last Friday and I wanted to get a Super Soaker  for their older son so that he and Austin would have something fun to play with at the family Easter celebration. As I was buying the two guns it occurred to me that this might raise some kind of doubt in Austin's mind. How would he process the information that Taylor was getting the exact same Super Soaker that he was getting. The kid is not a dummy! He would never believe it a coincidence that I just happened to buy Taylor this gun and then he would get the exact same thing in his Easter basket. He has been asking me about Santa for two years now. I am adamant that there is a Santa Claus. I will remain adamant that there is a Santa Claus until the day they put me in a box! Santa IS real, damn it. I won't lose him again!!!! Soooo, I made up my mind that IF Austin asked me for the truth about the Easter Bunny (and by this point I was praying that he would!) I was going to come clean. My reasoning being that if I admitted that there was no Easter Bunny it would give more validity to my insistence that there was indeed a Santa Claus!

 

As we were setting out his Easter basket last Saturday night Austin asked the million dollar question. "Mommy, is the Easter Bunny real?" I replied, "Well, Austin, what do you think?" He thought for a minute and he said that it seemed like it would be kind of hard for a rabbit to go all the way around the world with so much candy and "stuff". Perfect! I said, "Yeah, I think it would be kind of hard to imagine that too. He then asked me if I was the one that bought the stuff for his Easter basket. I admitted that it was, to which he replied, "Why in the world do you waste so much money on all that candy and stuff?" I told him I did it because I know it makes him happy and that it's fun for me to do. Just like that, I'd sold out the Easter Bunny! Not surprisingly, the next thing out of his mouth was, "Well, are you the one that buys my presents at Christmas  too?" "Absolutely not", I insisted, "Santa Claus is real".

 

The world can be a harsh and cold place sometimes. I do believe in Santa Claus and I always will. Austin will never hear any differently from me. As the editor of The Sun once wrote to Virginia:

 

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real andabiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

And I would add....Mommies too!

Earth has one angel less and heaven one more since yesterday.                    

 Nathaniel Hawthorne

R passed away Tuesday night around 9:30. I was able to be with her at the end. Her three to six months turned into a month. I will miss her for a very long time. I've never known anyone quite like her. R is not someone that you just "meet", she was someone that you experienced. Knowing her was a gift. Taking care of her was my pleasure. Remembering her and honoring her memory will be my gift back to her.

I'm so grateful that her suffering is over. I love to think of her now being in a perfect healthy new body. I imagine that by now she's turned heaven's daily routine upside down and they're wondering what has hit them. Things won't ever be quite the same there, I know they won't ever be quite the same here. I asked her to put in a good word for me when she got there. In typical R style she told me she would think about it. Gosh, I miss her.

Just as I started my vacation from work, R was moved from the telemetry floor that I work on to the regular floor that my daughter, Sarah Kate works on. Sarah knows R well, so she's been taking care of her. I was able to keep up with what's been going on with her through my daughter. Sarah called me when she got home from work Tuesday night and told me that R would be going home on Wednesday and that hospice was going to manage her case from her home. They were sending a hospital bed and that R and C were finally agreeable to that decision. So, I left for work early yesterday so that I could visit with R before she was discharged home. I got to work to find out that instead of going home that R was being transferred back to our unit. When I went to my unit they had, of course, assigned her to me. Before I even got report I went to R's room. There she sat on the side of her bed (with her red lipstick on!) visiting with a couple from her church. You know how a little child will hold their arms up in the air and make a motion with their fingers for you to pick them up? Well, that's what R did. I couldn't get to her fast enough. The love I felt in that embrace was one of the most humbling things I've ever felt. I will never ever forget it. "It's about time you decided to get your butt back to work", she chided me. I assured her that I'd been keeping up with her through Sarah. I was forgiven. She went on and on about what a sweet girl Sarah Kate was. "You can be proud of her", she said. I was. I've mention that R can be difficult. A lot of nurses don't like taking care of her. Sarah loved her by osmosis!

As for why she was transferred to us instead of going home with hospice, I've gotten a couple of different stories. I was told that she went into atrial fibrillation and her labs were out of whack and that's why we got her. But, she's been in atrial fibrillation for years, it's a chronic condition with her so that couldn't be it. As for her labs, of course they are out of whack. She has leukemia and is anemic. The other story I got was that C wanted her to be on a monitored floor so that someone would know exactly what her heart was doing. He said, and I quote, "If she dies here, no one will know it".

 Her breathing has gotten a lot worse. Up until yesterday she had been on 2 liters of oxygen by nasal cannula. When we got her she was on 6 liters by oximizer. The slightest exertion, even turning over in bed, makes her breath as if she'd run 100 yard dash. When she gets so short of breath she panics, understandably. It's painful to watch someone gasp for air. She complains of pain in her abdoman and side. She says it feels like "there is something there". It's hard for her to find a comfortable position. She doesn't want to eat anything. It's the most helpless feeling to not be able to make her comfortable. I gave her pain medicine, I gave her something for anxiety and I tried and tried to find the perfect placement for pillows to make her comfortable. She is just miserable. But more than anything she is scared. Finally the medicines kicked in and she fell asleep. When I next looked in on her C was sitting in the chair beside her bed holding her hand and they were both sleeping. I pulled the door shut and hoped they were having sweet dreams. An hour later, when I looked, C was gone and R was awake. I told her that I was sorry that I hadn't gotten to talk to C. She didn't know that he'd been there. She asked me to dial the phone and she called him at home. He said he decided that he'd let her sleep and he'd go to church. The fear and anxiety on that mans face would break your heart.

While sitting in the nurses' station charting the monitor watcher told me that R had just had nine beats of V-Tach. Here is our problem. Her code status was up in the air. Technically, when someone has agreed to hospice they have agreed that nothing will be done to prolong life and they are agreeing to pallative care. R and C aren't able to grasp that and are reluctant to give up the fight. They have been told that the fight is futile. They have been encouraged to accept the hospice alternative. They waffle back and forth between hope and reality. I most definitely want to be with her when she dies. I DO NOT want to be in the position of deciding what to do if she should go into respiratory failure or cardiac arrest with the code status being so cloudy. The V-tach prompted me to have the code status decided pronto. I went through her chart and found that they had made her a DNR (Do not resucitate) before they had moved her to our floor. Well, this didn't make sense. If we aren't going to code her, there is no reason to be on a heart monitor. Of those managing her case, the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing and no one seems to be able to get a decision made regarding code status. One side keeps waiting for the other side to make the decision. I called her PCP and talked to his PA. I asked about code status, telling her that she had been made a DNR that day. She said that was news to her and she put me on hold to go talk to the doctor. She comes back to the phone and tells me that that's great, but that the doctor wasn't aware of it. This made me uncomfortable because I need to know is she or is she not a DNR. She told me that I should go talk to R and ask her what she wants. So, that's what I did. It's a hard conversation to have with someone. I sat on her bed and held her hand. I asked her what she wanted to have done if something should happen to her heart. She asked me what I meant. I asked if she would want us to give her CPR and put her on a ventilator if her heart should arrest or if she went into respiratory arrest. She was adament that she did not want that. OK, one down, one to go. R is of sound mind and well able to make her own decisions at this point. Legally, all we need is for her to say that. However, I needed to hear C say it also.

After church C came back to see her. Their son and his family were also there. R began having trouble breathing again and became anxious while trying to ask her daughter-in-law if she knew which "dress" R wanted to be buried in. This was too much for C. He became teary and insisted that it was time for them all to leave so that R could rest. R became frustrated because this was something that she needed to talk about. Her frustration made her heart rate go up and made her even more short of breath. She gasped as she said, "it feels like my heart is just going to give out on me". The family said their good-byes and I asked them to wait for me in the hallway while I tried to settle R down. I gave her some Demerol and went to talk to C. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I asked him what he wanted me to do if she should go into cardiac or respiratory arrest. Like R he asked me what I meant by that. So, I explained to him what is done during a code. I told him that if we did that she would be put on a ventilator. He immediately began shaking his head no. I told him that I needed for him to understand exactly what that meant. He assured me that he did. He doesn't want her to be in pain. I told him that we could make sure that she wasn't in pain. Then he burst into tears and grabbed hold of me and cried like a baby. I cried with him. I've never felt so sorry for anyone in my life. Why does love have to hurt so much? His son put his arm around him and they headed for the elevator. R's daughter-in-law stayed back to talk to me. She gave me her cell phone number and asked me to call them immediately if I thought that the end was near so that they could be there with C. I gave her my phone number and asked her to call me if I should be off work and they got the call. I've told them at work that I want to be called when "something happens". Depending on who's working at the time, I will get the call. I better get the call.

R is going to die. It could be today, it could be three to six months from now. I don't think it will be very long though. Her heart is just so weak. My prayer is that it will be a good death. I can't stand to see her suffer. Many times we've seen a spouse die very soon after a death like this. I just know that C is going to grieve himself to death soon after we lose R. She calls him "Daddy". They absolutely adore one another. It's been a gift to me to watch them interact. If you're praying for R along with me, could you please say some extra prayers for C. And while you're at it, could you ask God to give me what I need to be able to do and say the right thing when that moment comes. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

 

There goes my Mother of the Year nomination (AGAIN!)

Austin left for school this morning being upset with me. I hate when that happens. I worry that he will think about this all day. I know that he probably forgot all about it once he stepped on the bus, so it's probably more like I am going to worry about this all day!

While we were waiting for the bus this morning he pulled out yet another fund raiser for his school to show me. It was a booklet of 30 post cards to be filled out with names and addresses of friends and family that the school would  have sent to solicit for magazine subscriptions. They do a big presentation at school when they give the kids these booklets and show them all the prizes that they can win. Trinkets really, but the kids hear "prize" and get all hyped up about it. We did this fund raiser last year. It took me forever to fill them out, but I did and each name recieved the solicitation. I felt terrible when we started getting cards back saying that so and so had ordered a magazine. I had told everyone that they didn't need to order anything. Austin would win a little prize just for turning in the completed booklet. I decided right then and there that we would not be doing this fund raiser again. It seems like every other day there are kids at my door selling things for school, ball teams, Girl/Boy Scouts, church groups and various and sundry other organizations. I buy whatever they're selling about 95% of the time. I will not allow Austin to go to our neighbors selling things. He thinks that this is terribly unfair. I would much rather just donate money to whatever he's raising money for than to subject my neighbors and family to yet another "cause". So anyway, back to this morning. He pulls this out of his back pack and tells me that I need for fill it out now because he has to turn it in today. First of all, there was no way that I could complete all the addresses in the ten minutes we had left before the bus came. Secondly, I hate this fund raiser and had already decided that we would not be participating this year. His little eyes filled up with tears as I gently explained to him why I not only couldn't complete the booklet in time, but that I didn't like to make our family and friends feel pressured into spending money because they thought they would be letting him down if they didn't. All he heard was that I was mean!! He won a giant ink pen last year for his participation. I told him that I would give him $10 and he could buy hisown prize this year. That wasn't good enough. Apparently there is some robot type prize this year for the person that gets the largest amount of subscriptions. Chances are very good that he woudn't win that particular prize anyway, but remember I'm dealing with a seven year old here. They told him he could win that prize and he thinks that all I have to do is fill in the booklet and he will win that prize. I was very gentle while explaining all of this to him, but he was broken hearted and not at all happy with this particular parental unit. I so hope that he has not let our little disagreement ruin his day. It is hanging over mine like an anvil.

I have been off work for the past 12 days. I took a week of vacation and the way my days off fell it turned out to be a really nice little stint at home. I am so not looking forward to going to work today. I have been trying to decide why I am dreading it so much when I actually really like my job. I've decided that it's not the work I mind, it's the leaving my house! I'm such a domestic creature. I love being home in my own little world. I love being able to accomplish things in the house and in the yard. I love nesting!! So, I guess the perfect job for me would be to have 4 extra bedrooms that I could put patients in and just take care of them here at home. Now that would be heavenly!  

CATCHING UP

I guess it's time for catching up on things. I've been on vacation this week. I've been lazy. Now, I have until Wednesday to catch up on all the things that I was going to do all week and managed to talk myself out of. Namely, ironing! Sometimes I feel like I'm chained to the darn ironing board. I iron all the time. I've been told by my friends that "no one irons anymore". Oh, yeah, well, you could have fooled me. No one sent me that memo. I'm told that if you get things out of the dryer right away you don't have to iron. Wrong! I don't like the way things look even immediately out of the dryer. So, I iron. I don't know how to get around it. I iron almost everything we wear. I iron the pillow cases and if I've  missed the end of the drying cycle I have been known to "touch up" iron the sheets. I don't like ironing, it's just one of those necessary things that has to be done.

Update on my patient R:

R went home the next day like I stated earlier. She was home for about 5 days and then came back. She didn't really need to come back, but she is afraid to die at home alone with C. Is that not the most heartbreaking thing? She is so worried about C. They've talked to her about Hospice. But that would require going to a completely different facility. She doesn't want to go where she isn't known.  She wants to stay with us. It's so frustrating to me that we have to do things "by the book". We are not a hospice unit. Therefore her insurance won't pay for her to stay there as a hospice event. Nevermind that she is comfortable there. Nevermind that we want her there. Nevermind that this would be the kindest most humane way to handle this case. They also can't give a definitive answer as to how long she has left. The estimates run anywhere from a couple of weeks to 3 months. That's a pretty broad time frame in terms of hospice. All I know is that this precious woman is scared and just wants to be where she knows everyone and has the assurance that C won't be alone with her when she dies. It's heartbreaking. I would love to have the means to bring her and C home with me and take care of them. Oh well, in a perfect world.

Austin was in Florida with my sister and her family this past week for spring break. This house felt like a tomb with him gone. Way too quiet. Way too serene. He had a wonderful time and I'm so glad that he got to go visit my parents (they winter in Florida), but boy am I glad to have him home! I slept much better last night knowing he was in his own bed and closer to being under my wing. I don't know that there is anything in this world that can brighten my day any more than having him hug my neck and call me Mama Bear. My world is cozier today because he's home.

GOOD NEWS! GREAT NEWS!

I wrote a while ago about my daughter, Sarah Kate and her health issues. Well, she went to the rheumatologist and he re-ran all the blook work that her PCP had done. She had an appointment with him on Thursday and got the results. ALL CLEAR!  He says that she had a virus and that it is now gone. She feels like her old self again and I am so thankful. It was so scary to think about her being sick with a chronic disease. I cannot tell you how wonderful this news is to us.

Sarah Kate told me last weekend that she and Bennie will probably be ready to start their family in the next year. I didn't think I'd be saying this anytime soon, but I'm ready! I don't have any idea what it feels like to be a grandmother, and I can't even imagine being called "Grandma", but my heart is ready to experience it. I've asked my friends that have grandchildren what it feels like. I know what it's like to love your children, but I wonder if you love your granchildren in a different way than you love your children. They all pretty much give me the same answer, "you love them more". Now I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I could love anyone more than I love my children. Can you? But, I guess I'll soon be able to see for myself what it feels like. I'll let you know.

Have you smelled the dirt lately?

You know when you walk outside in the spring and you can smell the dirt, and it's begging you to dig in it? It's a beautiful day here and I'm going outside to clean away the winter debris from my gardens. I do my best thinking when I've got my hands in the dirt. Goodbye manicure. I've cut my nails off and my hands will be looking pretty shabby by the end of the day. I could wear gloves and protect my hands, but that's no fun at all. I love the anticipation of spring, the planning of beds, the renewal of life in the garden. I love hearing the birds chirping, and the kids playing tag and ball. And I'm already looking forward to the bubble bath that I will take when I come in later this evening caked with mud and dirt. Life is good in a garden.