It would be no surprise to anyone that knows me that I'm a sentimental person. The sap that sickens some people defines me to some extent. I'll even go so far as to admit that I feel more than I think. I'm not saying this is a good thing or a bad thing, it's just the way I am. I'm an emotional sponge. I can walk into a room and whatever the prevailing mood is, becomes mine. I relive happy memories all of the time. I am often off on some nostalgic trip in my mind.

Tonight I watched the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie on television. My contact lenses are coated in salt because I had tears in my eyes for most of the movie. The movie was very sweet and sad. I love the Hallmark movies. But my favorite part of the Hallmark movies are the Hallmark commercials. I wish they had a DVD of all of the Hallmark commercials from the beginning, I'd buy it immediately. Although the movie tonight wasn't a Christmas movie, one of the commercials was. While watching that commercial I felt like I was transported back in time. Or maybe what I really mean is that I wish I could have been transported back in time. It featured a mother watching from the shadows as her small children were looking through their ornament collection. She stood silently watching as they pulled each one lovingly from the box and talked amongst themselves about why they were special. It is a moment that I remember living myself many times. It's funny, because at those times their childhood seemed endless. Although intellectually I knew that they would grow up and leave us, my mother's heart couldn't wrap itself around such a thought. And now, well now that they have grown up and some of them have left us I still can't wrap my heart around that.

I searched for forty five minutes for the perfect picture to post above this entry. I couldn't find what I was looking for. And suddenly I realized that I would never find the perfect picture to go along with these particular thoughts. I would never find the perfect picture because what I was looking for was not a picture. It's a feeling. A beautiful and loving feeling that is so imprinted in my heart that only I know the exact nuances of light and shadow it contains. It's the anticipation I saw on my children's faces leading up to Christmas. It's the way they tried so hard to be very good the week before Christmas. It's the painstakingly way they would  pour over the JC Penney's toy catalog as they wrote  their letters to Santa. It's the way they so proudly shopped at Santa's workshop at school for their Dad and I and their siblings, and then try to keep the secret of what they'd bought (which they often failed to do). It's the impish giggling and excitement that they couldn't contain as they tried to fall asleep on Christmas Eve. And it was the absolute joy and abandon they demonstrated every single Christmas morning as they rushed to the living room on Christmas morning in their pj's. It was pure magic and I was filled with the happiness they felt. They were my Christmas. Christmas is love in it's purest form. I know that Christmas is not just Santa and toys for children. I know that it's to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ. I knew that then and so did they, just as we know that today. Jesus was the gift to the world  My children were and are God's gifts to me.

We have Austin now and as I've said many times he has been such a gift. He has given us another chance to experience Christmas through the eyes of a child. He brought the wonder and magic of Christmas back to our family and to see my grown children reliving the wonder of it all through him again is one of the most beautiful sights on this earth to me. Christmas' are different now though, our daughter, Emily lives in Florida and she is not here with us on Christmas. No one can take that place, it's hers alone and I dread again that empty spot.

My  mother asked me not long ago what I wanted for Christmas. What I wanted to say, but knew that she couldn't give me was one more Christmas past. I want to see Patrick, Emily, and Sarah as children again around our Christmas tree. I want to see them laughing and hugging one another. I want to hear them singing along with "Thistle Hair, The Christmas Bear" and see their eyes dance. I want to hear their young sweet voices as they show us, with excitement, what Santa brought them. I want to stand in the shadows and watch them be little again as they experience Christmas and each other.  I want to see that again. I have the memories of it though, and they are burned into my mind's eye and more importantly they are burned into my heart. Which is why I love Hallmark commercials. It's a chance to see it and feel it all over again.

So, Patrick, Emily and Sarah, please always know that you are dearer to me than I could ever tell you with words. Please know that you and your little brother, Austin ARE Christmas to me and you always will be.

Christmas is love. You are love.